The true test of Englishness is the Cricket test. Which country do you support? Obviously, while one will always expect the natural superiority of English cricketers to bring success at Lord’s, international trade is a different matter.
The Woke fantasists, who insist on talking our Great Country down, will always insist that small scale, unprofitable sheep farming in the barren wastes of the Provinces is worth the effort. Economies of scale matter, which is why Australian sheep are cheaper.
Using the same impeccable logic, we come to Marmite. This sickly goo is a by-product of the failing Woke Craft Beer industry. It is thus a niche and unnecessary product. So much better, if one must stoop to such plebeian foods, to buy Vegemite. So much cheaper, since it is a by-product of industrial mass-produced lager, the Swill of the People.
One is not suggesting that our readership should actually buy the revolting stuff. If one desires a salty, yeasty relish for one’s Bath Oliver biscuits, then there are far superior products on the shelves at Harrod’s.
But the masses must be educated to put the economy before any sentimental considerations of tradition. One might argue that this might be problematic, given the affection so many people seem to have for the ghastly brown muck. However, every problem merely produces a piece of Great British Invention. One modestly proposes that every jar of Vegemite should bear a Union Jack on the label.
After all, the whole essence of Britishness is driving down costs while increasing profit margins. The simplest, and therefore best, way to achieve this is to sell less expensive goods at the same price. The profits will offset any Woke grumbling about increased pollution, and the Public is too cowed and pliant to realise the truth.
Right cobber, a Vegemite sandwich and a tube of Foster’s? No thank you, it’s Patum Peperium and a case of British Bollinger.
