The original Brexit set the tone for today’s events. English men thousands of years ago shared our modern fears. Back then, we didn’t want Europeans coming over here and stealing our jobs, our caves, and our woolly mammoths. We didn’t want them putting extra strain on the Neanderthal Health Service.
The normal solutions were considered. Unfortunately flag technology was not well developed in those primitive times. National symbols were constructed from rock, not fabric, and displayed throughout the realm. The French, being uncivilised and disrespectful, decided to walk all over them, which is why we now have flagstones.
A more drastic answer was needed. The bridge between England and the Continent would have to go before the realm was overrun with garlic and fancy ideas about social democracy.
The message was sent throughout the kingdom. All men were to head to the lowlands in the south-east of the Realm to construct a Wall. The necessity to protect our interests was paramount, as it is now. Losing Freedom of Movement was a small price to pay.
History tells us that the closure was far more successful than anticipated. According to the annals of contemporary historian Bærÿs Jååħsøn, those worthy patriotic souls digging the foundation trench caused a miracle. In Jååħsøn’s own words, “Yt so hapeneth, erm, aye, erm, that Hew Mungus Watteres did flowe into ye Trenche, and lo! England was ffre, wiff waff, no moor cud ye Froggyes entreth Englande. Huzza!”
The accompanying loss of the fertile flats of Doggerland were considered a reasonable price to pay. Jååħsøn considers the residents to have been insufficiently patriotic. Remoaners are nothing new.
This cataclysm worked in our favour. Jealous Frenchies were obliged to paddle across the English Channel in their little rafts to plead for our trade, to be repelled by one Nigellus. Meanwhile, Britannia ruled the waves, and the English developed superior trade around the globe.
Once again, we will be proved right.
