The Woke will hate it, which is reason enough to do anything in the New Britannia. It was reason enough to put famous ostrich anus eater Nadine Dorries in charge of modern communications, it is surely reason enough to rename a strip of water.
To really level up Britain we are going to need to make changes to names and places that reflect who we are now. We are a one party state now so we should act accordingly and honour our tyrant. London is a nest of traitors, so there is no better place to start the national refurbishment.
The Thames has been a drearily named stretch of effluent long labouring with a name derived from a few ancient Europeans. To rename it after a famous Briton would declare Global Britain open for business. We could then have a party.
You can picture it now. The country’s fishing fleet sailing up the river in triumph to Westminster. A giant floating effigy of Mr Johnson being towed against the tide, styled after Boudicca on chariot with a brandished spear.
Union flag bunting hung along the lengths of the embankments on both sides with the nation’s farmers lined up in their tractors in salute.
Foreign dignitaries will certainly flock to England just to be seen to be there on the day. Picture Macron and Biden jostling elbows as they attempt to be the closest to Mr and Mrs Johnson when the flotilla arrives at Westminster’s steps and the twenty one guns salute.
Of course a moment of national renewal such as this will not come cheap. We must consider a windfall tax on the increased Universal Credit payments. In this way much of the work force of Blighty will feel they have properly contributed.
Once the magnus liquidata has been rechristened then names of cabinet MPs can be drawn from a hat and the tributaries renamed. The Wandle may soon be the Raab. The Shingle the Truss. The Effoff the Patel.
It will have a further benefit of making British waters more secure. No French coastguard would dare punt his daily load of illegal asylum seekers into the mouth of the Johnson.
Now is the time to rename the Thames after Mr Johnson, before it fills with the discharged sewage that will herald the death of EU red tape in the United Kingdom once and for all.
