Handwringing is not a British trait. It is conceivable that to make a success of the post-Brexit certainties handwringing will have to become illegal. Likewise fretting and naysaying. Criminalising the behaviour of weaker subjects will have the added advantage of instantly criminalising the Woke. But we do not wish to criminalise Great British farmers as they transition to new horizons, as they ask for assistance in filling out Universal Credit applications, so we must re-educate them now.
Clearly the agricultural sector wishes their Prime Minister and his current partner well. This is why so many backed Brexit and voted for Conservative MPs at the last general election. They wish to bask in the reflected glory of their elected representatives and taurus est inundans cum sperma. Let us help them now.
We can start by explaining to them that just by giving up farming they are boosting the Prime Minister’s green credentials. Leave means leave and leave means walking off the land of your forefathers. It’s the Great British thing to do.
We all know by now that farting ruminants are the most serious risk to our climate. If you’ve ever been stuck in a lift with Mark Francois you will understand too well the veracity of this assertion. Britain must lead the way for the world to follow. We must clear the cattle and sheep from our landscape and replace them with something incapable of flatulence. We must replace the herds and flocks with luxury flat developments enjoying scenic views. This will reduce our personal carbon footprint, lower the greenhouse gas emissions from the Great United Kingdom and allow the world’s money launders diversity of opportunity. Not just flats in central London. If you’ve breathed the air in London you’ll know it reeks of wokeness anyway.
Farmers you must now play your part. Simply by giving up your traditional way of life today you can boost your Prime Minister’s green “cred”. There can be no greater service than to lay down your livelihood for Brexit. You will not starve. Not while there are food banks. Not while cattle and sheep can be imported from the antipodes. It will be okay. You will prosper in the Brexit way. And we all know that is Great.
